Sternberg’s Triangle Of Love

What's love? Phylosophers, poets, psychologists, musicians, scholars and marketers have been trying to clearly define it for centuries. But the term keeps on eluding a univocal definition.

Perhaps it is because we try to define it with rational terms, and love is an emotion that refuses any logical categorization. But it's one of the few concepts the world spins around (the other two being money and death).

The triangle of love

One of the most famous (and widely used in psychology) definitions of love, or different types of love, comes from Sternberg. Sternberg defines three points in a triangle: commitment, intimacy, and passion.

Depending on which of these points are present in the relationship, and which are absent, he defines eight types of love. The "Consummate love", the one where all intimacy, passion, and commitment are present, is considered the "true" love. Or the one that will last anyway.

I have been thinking about my relationship during the last years, trying to analyze what could have gone wrong. What points of the triangle were eroded, what was missing.

Apart from the stress of running a business together, and many other things that may affect a relationship there was our travels. At a certain point, it was not ok for one of us to keep on traveling. But we never talked about it. Did we assume the other one had different goals, until our paths started to diverge due to lack of commitment?

Has love its own entity? Or it is just a point of view? Can two people experience love differently? Could our love have been "consummate" for me, and just "romantic love" or even "liking/friendship" for him?

Does that mean then that love is nothing but a point of view, a spike of chemicals running wild through your body? That would indicate that love does not really exist. But how can something that does not exist hurt so much?

Keep on talking

If you are a couple, you need to keep the communication channels open. This is easier said than done. Sometimes we avoid talking about things that are uncomfortable or we give up because we think the other one won't understand, or would get angry. We are scared of conflict, of feeling bad or hurting our partner.

But these uncomfortable conversations are necessary if you want to keep the relationship alive. Keep on talking, even if it's difficult, or it hurts. And listen too. Listen to what your partner wants and needs.

Sometimes your positions would look completely opposite, and perhaps they are. But most of the times, it is about overcoming our fears. You need to put your own goals and your partner's on a scale, and seeing if a compromise is possible. There may or may not be a solution, but talking about it (as opposed to assuming) is essential.

This is especially true if you are traveling together. Talk about your travels. Are you feeling comfortable? Are you still excited? Or do you miss a more stable life, your friends, family? What are you or your partner sacrificing in order to carry on with that lifestyle?

Different types of love... Are possible

I was talking to a friend the other day that has an open relationship. Both of them have lovers and fuck with other people. My friend talked about that in such a direct and uninhibited way that it made me wonder if I have become a dinosaur.

It's not that I have something against an open relationship. But when I was listening, I couldn't help but thinking I was receiving investment advice -i.e: don't put all your eggs in the same basket, this one is for security and this one is for excitement-, as opposed to being told what love was.

Nothing wrong with that, and I'm not saying that what I call "love" is the love, or the right way of loving. There's no such thing. And I'm glad seeing my friend so happy, and enjoying life. Another friend has a poly-amorous relationship, and a quite successful one. That warms my heart, if only because it gives me a little hope back.

Me, I still think I'd be happy with just that one person that makes me smile, turns me on, and makes me want to grow older with. Perhaps I'm just an old-fashioned guy.

Reason and emotion

I know all my attempts to rationalize love or to try to understand why it ended are doomed. Love is an emotion.

Maybe what I had was not perfect. It may not tick all of Sternberg's checks. But it was love. At least for me. And I still can't accept it's gone. Fuck the stoics, fuck meditation, fuck Bhuddism.

If love is not an entity, if it does not exist, how much time will it still stay with me? Do I want it to disappear, or is it the only thing I've got left?