Stoicism, Patience, and the Journey Through Rock Bottom

I've decided to try and write daily again. Writing -alongside composing music- has always been a cure for my ailments, a shelter where I can always find solace during hard times. And these are bad times.

Going Downhill

Ever since I broke up with my husband (well, actually, a couple of years before that), my life's been going downhill. I moved to Bulgaria looking for a fresh start, but I started to have some health issues. Eventually, they turned out to be quite serious.

Sick and scared, I came back to Spain to get the best treatment. But being alone here has proven to be tough. Really tough. Yesterday I went through a surgical diagnostic procedure. While I was under the effects of the anesthesia, I dreamed that I woke up and my husband was there, holding my hand.

When I woke up, I was completely alone. Nobody there with me but the nurses.

I started to sob. And I couldn't stop. At the beginning, I didn't want them to see me crying like a baby, so I pretended to be sleping, but eventually I decided I didn't give a f**k. A nice woman came to ask me if I was OK, thinking perhaps that I was in pain or I needed something. I wanted to tell her I was ok, but I could not even speak.

That night, back in my friends' apartment, I woke up and went to the restroom, but I had so much pain that I just felt dizzy and fell to the ground. My friends have a cat. The cat litter was there, and there was cat sand and shit all over the ground. There I stood, for fifteen minutes, unable to get up, alone.

Rock Bottom?

I don't even dare to say that I hope I've reached rock bottom. I'm scared that those words could become an invitation for the universe to hit me even harder. I am lucky, my business is still going well, specially now, after some changes that have made the team stronger and more professional. At least, I can still pay the bills (including the medical ones).

Of course, there are people out there with big problems. Much bigger than mine. I have to be grateful. I can afford to travel to my home country and get the best private healthcare available.

My family is not here. That special person, whose hand I so desperately wanted to hold when I woke up, is not here. But I am in a nice apartment where I can rest and heal, and I got a new place to stay where I will be moving next Wednesday. I have a couple of friends who could maybe come to help me in case of emergency.

Patience And Stoicism

The last three years have been rough. Burning out, anxiety, and depression. Then the break up. Now my health. For three years I've been wondering when I'd start to feel better. When will the universe cut me some slack and allow me to get back on my feet again.

Three years is a long time to be waiting for things to get better.

At the beginning, I felt frustrated, and sad, and furious. I still do some times, like the day before my appointment at the hospital. I entered into this self-pity spiral, wondering why all that was happening to me.

But mostly I try to be patient. Not because I'm strong, or a superhero, or I have this amazing willpower. Simply, because there's really nothing else you can do. You have to keep on fighting. Every single day.

Stoicism teaches you that. You can't control your health, you can't control other people's feelings. You can't control all that shitty stuff that's happening. You can only react to what life throws at you in the best possible way. And that's when decisions are important.

Decisions & Relevance

Every little decision counts. No decision, or sequence of decisions, are going to guarantee that your life would improve. That's -again- not under your control. But you can at least focus on trying to do the right thing and making the wisest decisions you are capable of.

You may take a bad turn, we all do that. Be easy on yourself, and kindly realize when you need to turn around. It's ok to change your mind.

If there's something positive about all this, it's the fact that you learn to relativize everything. We usually worry about the most silly and irrelevant stuff. Politics, family quarrels, social media, the opinions of others... Being strong, being successful, being with someone... Most of that stuff disappears.

You just realize how lucky you can be by just being healthy, having a roof under your head, and being able to share a drink with a friend every now and then, or say to your mom how much you love her.

You learn what's really important in life, and most of it is simpler than you think.

Being grateful

So I am grateful. I feel I have to be for just being here, writing these lines. For still finding space for a laugh with a friend over my terrible taste when choosing the furniture for my new apartment or enjoying a cup of tea.

Sometimes it's easier, and sometimes it's harder. Sometimes you can't help but cry out of frustration, or sadness, or pain. But that's ok too. We have to go through these things. Don't judge yourself. We are not perfect. We all go through hard years. But as George Harrison said "All things must pass". Nothing is forever, neither the good, nor the bad things.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. I find that one particularly hard. Let others be there for you. Call your friends and family. Let them know that you need them. They will be there for you, because you would be there for them.