Back In Madrid

When they find themselves at a crossroads, some people turn to external entities in search of answers. Some seek them in religion, others in fortune tellers or gurus.

When Life Smacks You In The Face

Some people like me don't look for answers. We just act. Move. Charge ahead. Try to escape from our problems by closing our eyes and leaping forward.

When you are in fight or flight mode, you don't think clearly. You take a decision (which is better than not taking any decision at all), but it may not be the best decision.

Luckily, for those like me, the Universe gives you a wake-up call.

When my life turned upside down after breaking up with the person who had become my partner for the last 13 years of my life, I evaluated my options, and moved to Bulgaria.

Why Bulgaria? Well, because it was easy, affordable, I had friends there, and that was the last place where I remembered being happy.

Rethinking Priorities

However, in a way I was trying to keep my dreams alive. I dreamt of staying there for a while, perhaps keeping on traveling, meeting someone, etc. I also envisioned moving to the UK eventually, to the north, where you can buy an amazing house for the price of a old, dark, and small apartment in Spain.

Then I learned I have a health issue. One of the big ones. Important enough to make me wonder where I could get the best treatment.

And the answer was: Madrid.

It's not just that Madrid has very good healthcare and excellent private clinics and hospitals. It's the fact that I can speak to the doctors in Spanish. That makes a whole difference when you are dealing with delicate stuff.

Stop For A Moment

I realized I was trying to continue with my life as if nothing had happened. I need to stop and take care of what's important for me now. Healing, in every sense of the word. So I have put my dreams, expectations, relationships, and plans on hold. I got to the conclusion that I needed to focus on just feeling better and looking for a safe, stable place.

That conclusion also got me thinking. Miguel and I left Spain almost 10 years ago. We were full of dreams, fears, hopes, and naivety. I can still see us in my mind, with our two oversized suitcases, scared but also super excited.

But that guy does not exist anymore. I am not the same person I was back then, and there's no more "us", it's just "me". My priorities have changed. I can't pretend I am that same guy, innocent, young, overexcited. At 44, I am not getting any younger, or healthier. Maybe it's time for me to settle down and look for a more relaxed and balanced lifestyle.

Back In Madrid

I have been thinking non-stop about that for the last week. It all screams "life cycle change" to me (I should know, I've gone through quite a few). I have not only access to good healthcare in Madrid, and Spanish-speaking doctors. I also have friends here. My parents are just a couple of hours away by train, and the city itself is a safe, familiar place.

And I had forgotten just how beautiful Madrid is. Ok, ok, it may be a little bit gentrified, and some neighborhoods (Sol, Chueca, Lavapies, Latina) can be just too much if you're not a tourist. But it's also full of peaceful and jaw-dropping parks, streets and avenues. Everything is clean and modern, and -contrary to Sofia- I can walk on its streets and boulevards, completely absorbed by its beauty, without breaking an ankle (Sofia's streets are in a very bad state).

I'm gonna miss Sofia, though. Its climate, nature, the people there, my friends, those conversations with a glass of wine on a Tuesday night, how easy is life there, the banitzas... Perhaps Madrid is not the final destination, but simply a stop along the way.

Still, in a way, thinking on getting back gives me peace of mind. I am in dire need of feeling better, of feeling ok again. I don't think I can build anything else before I get that.

So I checked a couple of apartments yesterday. They are expensive as f**k. More than double the rent of my apartment in Sofia. But that's to be expected. The "coming back" shock was eventually bound to happen anyway, as Miguel always told me.

Remember The Future

And that makes me also wonder about my future. Definitely Madrid opens some options for me. I can become an autónomo again (oh my goodness... :) and contribute again to my social security and pension funds.

Am I thinking already like an old guy? Perhaps it's because of how I feel. Perhaps it's because I AM already an old man. Perhaps it's just a phase and I will be traveling through South-East Asia in my 50's. But something tells me I've left that part of my life behind.

Today, I am here. And that's enough for now.

So if you are going through some shit right now, stop and focus on yourself. Learn to love yourself again. Prioritize what's important today, right now. Heal. Take your time. Get off the rat race. Accept change. Accept things are no longer the same, and they will never be. Learn To Say No. It is OK to slow down. It is OK to say "I need time". It is OK to ask for help. It is OK to forgive yourself. I'm still working on all of that.

Take care.