Of panic attacks and uncertainty

Of panic attacks and uncertainty

Diary of a digital nomad trapped by the coronavirus pandemic, 30th of March.

It’s been some days since I posted. On Friday I had a weird panic attack. I try not to read news about the coronavirus. Especially from Spain. You don’t have to stay on top of everything, after all, and the situation there has gone crazy. But I did that evening.

And the news was discouraging. Hospitals and clinics are running out of free ICUs, so that means doctors have started to choose who lives and who dies.

So I could not help but consider what would happen if I need to be hospitalized. There are lots of uncertainties in our current situation. We have SafetyWing, of course, but it does not cover pandemics or anything CDC declares as risk level 3. So while we switch to the new product, Remote Health, we are kind of uncovered regarding the coronavirus.

Not only that, but we are foreigners, and Spanish. You can really see people reacting in a negative way when we speak close to them. They are not sure if we are Italians or Spaniards, but that’s not relevant, as both are not welcomed anywhere these days. So it is super selfish, I know, but I started to think about all that, and kind of got a small panic attack.

Focusing on work

So I focused on work to forget about everything else. I have been working non-stop this whole weekend, and only today I have been able to write some lines after meditating.

So it may be a little silly, and it is definitely not stoic, but yes, from time to time I can’t help but feel scared.

Today a combination of Arvo Pärt and meditation has helped a lot, but it is not a bright day. Exercise is good too, and last week we bought two weights to train biceps and triceps.

I composed this track (and this album) as a tribute to my mother, who was fighting cancer at the time. The title translates to “It is ok to be scared”, and it is based on her explanation of how she experienced fear during those difficult moments. I guess it is a natural emotion we all feel from time to time. Let’s hope tomorrow will be brighter.